teslac0ils

I've spent most of my adult life struggling to actually DO most creative hobbies that interest me. Drawing, writing, even just reading substantially. I joined a book club a few years ago and I struggled to even finish the 1 book a month and form thoughts on it- and there wasn't really that much going on in my life otherwise. Just basic life stuff. I went to work, I made dinner, I went for walks and worked out, scrolled shit on the internet, and slept. Working out, at least, was a habit I didn't struggle with ever since I heard some great workout advice attributed to Terry Crews: just show up at the gym, and if you build that habit of just BEING there, you will eventually work out. Set a low bar with basically no obstacle to clear, and it will never kill your motivation: it's a great little trick that works even with no gym membership and a more diverse workout routine. Just sit down on the yoga mat, just drive to the archery range, etc. It was the one good habit I was great at being consistent about, but I was still unable to carry that over to spending the rest of my free time how I'd like.

Then, last year I took on a little project of reading Chuck Tingle stories. Low commitment every day, just read a short story that will take me 15 minutes, tops, to read, and make a little post about it. It was something deliberately easy and enjoyable, but I surprised myself by just committing to that little thing as hard as I did. I noticed connections and themes in the stories. Literature was always one of my worst subjects in school, but I found myself just... tackling some literary analysis by virtue of just needing to think of things to say about the stories, and reading them with the knowledge that I would want to say something about them. Months into the project, I thought of the workout advice that had unlocked my ability to keep that habit so consistently. I had figured out how to "just show up" to active, engaged reading. I struggled less in my book club, I had an easier time thinking about what I would say about the books we read.

Could I make myself draw? I used to draw a lot, when I was younger, and I missed it but couldn't just make myself. (Several times over the years, I tried opening request threads on forums. I tried signing up for Artfight a few years. I always spent a day or two REALLY INTO IT with the intention to work hard on whatever I had started, then fizzling out.) Last year gave me new knowledge about myself, though. I decided to commit to something small. Draw one bug every day. Give it a minimum of commitment similar to what I gave the Chuck Tingle stories. At the start, I thought it would amount to a lot of small simple drawings, but it would be something just to form the habit. I've surprised myself again. I thought a majority of what I drew would be the most minimal pencil and pen sketches, but I've surprised myself again. About a quarter of what I've drawn has been minimal pencil/pen sketches, not the 70% I was expecting. Once I arrive at drawing... I want to spend more time there.

I feel like I've unlocked something. I wish I had figured it out sooner. I don't need to set a high bar for myself. If I set one that's easy to clear, then it will motivate me instead of blocking my path. If I'm not doing something I want to, I just need to figure out the basic step of showing up. I can just trust myself to do things incrementally from there. I can stick with it- I have proven that to myself now. I don't have to commit to knocking out something grand all at once.